When and How We Speak Matters

Do you see someone who speaks too soon? There is more hope for a fool than for him. – Proverbs 29.20 (CSB)

Years ago, my cousin told me, “I want to be more interested than interesting.” I have never forgotten those words because of how deeply they have impacted how I try to live. In order to make practical growth steps in this area, I often go to this statement when I’m with people: “Tell me your story.” It’s incredible how much people will share when you invite them to share their story. And yet when I do, I often hear my own voice sharing something for extended amounts of time after they share (or even sometimes during their story). Am I really listening when they share their stories? I mean, listening intently to every part of it or just until something that sparks an idea inside of my head and then waiting for them to take a breath to interrupt them with my “words of wisdom.” Am I respecting them when they share their opinions, especially the ones that I disagree with? Or do I interject my views when I don’t have all the information? Do I get defensive and speak up quickly instead of hearing them out?

God confronts us with this in this proverb. You see, it’s not so much about the amount of words we share but rather the amount of information we hear before we respond. Yes, respond. I believe that there is a significant difference between responding and reacting. I feel like responding to someone requires me to listen, intentionally show grace and patience, be interested in them as a person made in God’s image, and hold back from interrupting a person’s point, which, when we interrupt, comes across as rude and uninterested in what they are saying. And this, when we interrupt, builds up walls of defensiveness so that we build up our arsenal of words that will hurt rather than heal. And reacting? While it is possible for someone can react well, with grace and patience, it seems like most of us react to a trigger word or attitude in the conversation (or social media post, or email, or…) that is driven by anger, fear, defensiveness, or frustration (or a combination of all of those emotions as well as others). And when we react instead of respond, the conversation usually goes in a direction that does not help bring about the desired and correct outcome.

James gives practical advice in his letter on this same topic. “My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness” (James 1.19-20, CSB). Can you imagine if we would apply this one verse in every conversation we have for the rest of our lives? Or what if we started by applying it to our next conversation today? Let’s apply it to a fight. How would that conversation look if each person came to the table quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry? I think the fight would turn into a conversation that would be worked out in a healthy and productive manner that would bring about the right outcome: reconciliation (side note: if your motivation is always to be right, you need to deal with your pride in that area before you can ever expect to see outcomes in your disagreements with others that honor Jesus). And while I know that it is not easy to do this, it is simple. Hard to apply, yes, but direct and simple to understand.

Listening instead of speaking is always better. Listening supplies us with more information to make an informed decision or respond appropriately instead of playing the fool. Sid Buzzell makes this point well in his commentary, “A man who speaks in haste is a fool because he blurts out thoughtless, insensitive remarks (cf. “gushes” folly and evil, 15:2, 28), sometimes answering before he listens (18:13). In fact he is worse than a fool. Speaking in haste and being conceited are two things for which there is less hope than for being a fool (cf. 26:12). This kind of person brings trouble on himself and others (cf. 17:19–20; 18:6–7).”*

So let’s try to do this simple thing today. Let’s be quick to listen, getting all of the information before we start talking, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Let’s try it God’s way because it doesn’t seem to work too well with what has become normal in today’s culture. Let’s show the difference that Jesus makes, starting with listening and speaking from a place of grace and respect with a desire for reconciliation. That just seems better.

* Buzzell, Sid S. “Proverbs.” The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, edited by J. F. Walvoord and R. B. Zuck, vol. 1, Victor Books, 1985, p. 968.